Friday, April 28, 2006

4-28-06

"Can you build me a campfire?" she asked her dad.

"Campfire? Woohoo! Do you want some marshmallows too?" Dad asked.

"No, that's fine. I just want to build a campfire."

"Sounds great, Darling! I'll get some fire wood, okay?" Dad said as he walked towards the garage to retrieve some surplus firewood they kept for thier periodic camping excursions.

He grabbed the grill and walked back came back to the tent. He looked at the rocket and smiled, placing the grill next to it.

"Um, Dad," said Veroncia. " I think that's too close to the rocket."

Dad looked up and smiled, "Sorry honey. You're right... Afterall, I wouldn't want you to blast off in a charred spaceship. That could be really dangerous. Ha ha ha."

Veronica let out a faint laugh because Dad obviously thought this whole rocket thing was just child's play.

[To Be Continued]

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

4-18-06 My daughter saved your life [a true story]

Hello Gentle Readers,

I'm super glad that I still have some gentle readers. You can all thank my daughter that you're still alive to read this blog.

See, even though you're probably unaware, Humans/Earthlings almost became an extinct species. But my smart, brave, and cunning daughter, Veronica, saved the day.

It all went down like this:

Far away on planet Kinipseewahlah, lived a humanoid species of Kinipseewahlans. Unlike what people believe aliens are like, Kinipseewahlans aren't very scientifically advanced.

Kinipseewahlah is a very flamable planet. And "wildfires'' that've lasted months are well documented.

One day, a fire got inside of a Kinipseewahlan cave and made it's way toward the center of the planet.

News of this was broadcasted across the universe. "Save the Kinipseewahlans!" became the mantra for alot of Earthlings.

However, a very pretty little girl named Veronica was more interested in saving the Kinipseewahlan cats [A.K.A. CATSeewahlahns]. She was lucky enough to be homeschooled, so she told her Dad that she'd like to build some sort of space rocket type thing.

Dad let out a faint laugh. He remembered being the same age and building things like what his daughter wanted to build. So he said, "Why, of course sweety pie. We'll go get some materials right away."

She was going to use the home made rocket to fly off to Kinipseewahlah and save the CATSeewalahns.

It didn't take long to build due to Veronica's perserverence. It sat in the backyard waiting to be launched. Dad would periodically look at it and smile, impressed with his daughter's perserverence and brilliance. See, she did most of the work herself. Dad was too scared of hammering himself on the finger or getting a sliver.

After supper that night, Veronica told her parents that she was going to sleep outside in the tent. So she got the green tent from the basement and set it up outside, in the backyard.

She came back inside yawning, and said, "Well, mom and dad, I'm getting really tired. I think I'm going to go to sleep."

Dad looked at his watch and said, "You must be really tired. It's only eight o'clock."

Veronica laughed and said humorously, "It must've been all that partying I did last night!"

Mom and Dad laughed at her joke, and both said, "Goodnight."


[TO BE CONTINUED]

Friday, March 31, 2006

Entry Two - 3/31/02

Here's another one. It shows that Polobobo had a fondness for philosiphizing:


3/31/02
I've been thinking about how unfair childbirth is.

Men have a simple, painless - actually pleasurable - role in it. They place their penis the woman vagina, go back and forth a bit, and ejaculate.

Women, on the other hand, have the growing child inside them. It grows and grows, and after nine months, emerges, wiggling and crying, out of thier vagina.

I have a good geneticist friend who is working on making a gene that makes men bare children.

I can't wait for that!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Entry One 3-22-02

I'd thought I'd start with the an entry that was made a year ago on this date:
3-22-02

I had a pretty fun night last night. I went out partying with a zombie I went to college with. We were complaining about how this damn cotton blight is making clothing so damned expensive. Just a t-shirt is the price of diamonds.

She told be that her DIY, punk rock ethic has served her well. She doesn't have to worry about buying cotton because she raises sheep purely for thier yarn. And she uses the yarn to make all sorts of clothing. She told me that the following website taught her a lot: yarn.

She's making good money too. Yuppies everywhere are willing to fork over a lot of money for, not only handmade sweater, but for, handmade sweaters with homegrown yarn.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

March 15, 2006

Have you ever heard of ORBItron?

Didn't think so.

Well it's the street name given to a special, newly discovered mineral called Huntseegulp. Huntseegulp is only found on the far away, relatively-unknown planet Lop Lobula. And, only a few unfortunate people have had encounters with Huntseegulp [A.K.A ORBItron].

Why do I call them unfortunate? Because, thanks to ORBItron, they're now dead.

And they all experienced severe humiliation before dying.

See, ORBItron degrades the brain so much that, before you die, you experience a sort of mental retardation.

Fortunately, I have the journal of Polobobo. Polobobo was woman who was on the mission that discovered Huntseegulp. I'll try to transcribe most of the journal. However, the parts of the journal that were written right before she died are hard to decipher because they appeared to be written by a mentally challenged person.

Wednesday March 15, 2006. Secret number one.

Like I promised, I'll share some secrets that were mistakingly told to me by a U.S. government agent while I comatosed:

Secret number one:

An incredible species of aliens have been discovered on the planet, unknown to most, Blurbahoevnick.

Now, what makes these aliens so incredible is the way they bare children. It's almost the completely reverse of humans reproduction.

See, unlike Earthlings, the way Blurbahoenickans create children is very, very painful. And, still, unlike Earthlings, giving birth is very pleasurable. Birth is really, to them, as pleasurable as sex.

Now one would think that this is the perfect recipe fo overpopulation. But the pain of "sex" is so incredible that only people that really want offspring are willing to experience the pain.

Friday, March 10, 2006

March 10, 2006

I know this sounds totally fictional and made-up, but, if you've read my other blog, you'll know that I was in a coma. Even stranger, while I lay unconscious in a coma, a U.S. top secret government agent visited me.

He said that the secrets he held were getting too intense to hold anymore. So, because I was in a coma, he thought he'd tell me the secrets.

He mistakenly thought that, because I was in a coma, I couldn't hear.

Unfortunately for him, these government secrets are coming back to me. They come to me in intense dreams.

It's so intense, I feel like I have to get them off my chest. So, if you people don't mind, I'd like to share them via email.

If you don't care about U.S. government secrets, remember nobody's forcing you to read this...unless you live on planet Zinksolobby where illiteracy is very widespread and the Zinksolobbian government have people that go out and force people to read by holding an electro-zapper to thier head.

Regards,
Cullen

Friday, December 02, 2005

12-04-05 Alien reproduction

It's been a long eleven days.

Alot has happened since then.

For one, I was abducted by a UFO full of - lucky me - three-breasted alien chicks.

They abducted me because they thought that, since I'm a librarian, I know all of the human knowledge in existence. When they told me that, I chuckled. I explained to them that one has to read the books in order to get knowledge. They laughed and told me that the way Earthlings acquire knowledge is, not only weird, but also archaic.

"Why do you say that?" I asked. "Don't you guys read books?"

"Earthling," said one of them, laughing. "We don't need books. We get the information from the source. Yes, we have individual brains, but they all are connected by -what earthlings call - 'telepathy'. So - in other words - our individual brains act as one giant brain. So if one of us is studying the pathetic behavior of a wretched earthling, we all - every one of us - get that knowledge. "

I nodded understandingly and reluctantly asked, "So, if one of you is reading something like a magazine of pornography, you all get horny."

"Yes, that's true. As a matter of fact, I've heard of Burbalahs [thier alien term for "women"] standing in line at a Conipsylipsy store [an alien grocery store], being stricken, suddenly, by - what earthlings call - an orgasm. And our - what you call - "orgasms" are way more intense. A purple, milky fluid comes shooting out of the burbalah's mouth."